Message board topic:

This is one of those times when I really don't have anyone I can vent to but the 3 of you, so don't take me too seriously and don't feel like I'm looking for advice or sympathy.  Just organizing my thoughts in hopes I can figure things out.

A couple of years ago I quit playing music.  Cheri was horribly sick, I was worn out taking care of her and not taking care of me.  The quality of the band was suffering and it was going in a direction I didn't want to go in.  I was burned out and depressed and gave a little notice and quit.

I wondered how long it would take to go crazy from not playing.  A couple weeks?  A month?  3 months?  10 months went by and I never missed it.  I missed the compliments and I missed the money but I didn't miss the work and the traveling.  Then one day standing in line at the store a guy and his wife recognized me and said, "You are the best I've ever heard".  It stuck me, how long would it be before it changed from "You are", to "You used to be"?  That I thought, would psychologically kill me.  My whole life, music was my raison d'etre.  It was my excuse for existing.  So, I called Paul to tell him I was ready to go back to work.  In less than a week we had a whole new, much improved band together and in another week we were back at work.

It's been over a year now.  Cheri is much better but still sick and I still have to take care of her, including those annoying trips to the hospital in Columbia.  I'm still not taking care of myself.  I eat once a day and a lot of days I don't eat at all.  Just not hungry.  When I do eat it's mostly junk.  Aside from push-ups and setting up equipment, slugs get more exercise than I do.  We're busier than ever and getting busier all the time.  Last week I was in Kansas City.  This week I'm 2 long days at the state fair and one night down on the Lake of the Ozarks, all outdoors in this 90 degree, 80% humidity heat.

I live in an area where hate is considered more American than apple pie, which is pretty tough for somebody like me to handle.  I'm increasingly exhausted, increasingly scared and increasingly depressed, and I'm wrecking my health.  One thing I learned from my 10 month hiatus was, I can't really afford to quit for any length of time.  I don't think I'm in any danger of losing my mind but I've got to figure some way to reverse all of this before I collapse.  I'll work it all out eventually.  John

Okay, the part I have to ask about: "I live in an area where hate is considered more American than apple pie, which is pretty tough for somebody like me to handle". We speaking of political or general hate here? The entire nation is pretty polorized and I am increasingly of the feeling that no matter how the election goes, there is going to be some big trouble. I won't get into my politics, I make sure to keep my views out of the site, but I am polor opposite from half my family, which makes it difficult sometimes. We generally don't talk politics but my brother-in-law likes to poke me and I will poke him, though it is more in jest and no mallace. My mom, God rest her soul, was odd. She would votw for who she thought was more pretty or handsom and not like a politician because they had a wart or mole. Not a good way to decide a representative, but that was mom.

 

Hi John I don't really know what to say that could help. But know that I am here and always willing to listen and that you can find a place of happiness and that you can take care of yourself. There are people and pets wildlife that you take care of that need you but I hope this does not add pressure to you that you don't need. But anything I can I will try to help But Please take care of yourself. Tim and Hi Peggy and David hope all is well with you too. And Thackery Binx is doing well have let him out of his private room and everything is good some hissing from Hailee but she hisses at everycat but no fights I don't see him much as he is under my bed but he eats and uses the box while I sleep I will just let him do this in his own time. He has come out for Temptations treats but only halfway but it is progress. Later Tim

Thanks guys.  Of course, I'm not looking for solutions as there's nothing anybody can do but me.  I'm so glad Thackery Binx is doing well.  Every bit of good news I can get right now helps.

I had 3 years of psych, (I don't include high school.) and they had a common saying, "Before you diagnose someone with depression, make sure they're not surrounded by jerks".  (I'm paraphrasing there.  "jerks" was not the word they used.)  I am indeed surrounded by "jerks" and it is indeed depressing.  Almost every night, Van Gogh curls up in my face, which is by far the best part of my day, and most nights I go to sleep, (after a couple hours) hoping that's the last thing I'll ever know.

Tim, you're quite right about the animals.  Van Gogh and Piggy absolutely rely on me.  I'm the only one who feeds them or cleans out litter, or pays any real attention to them.  I'm the only one who feeds the cats, (and raccoons) outside.  To the grandkids, I'm a year-round Santa Claus.  They don't rely on me but without me their lives would be much worse.  Cheri and I rely on each other.  She has so much to go through, and still she does all the shopping, deals with insurance companies, medical suppliers, and her basically dysfunctional family, as well as doing so much for the grandkids.  I don't know how she does it.  They all keep me going because I think at least to some degree, they need me, or at least want me around.

I've just got to find a way to relax, stop worrying, keep everything going, and take better care of myself.  John

 

It is a stressfull time we are in and you have personal items on the list as well. Wish I know a magic way to make you feel less stressed.

 

Flip side, I had a dr appointment yesterday to deal with 2 issues on my hands. A 3rd issue I have there is not much that can be done about till it is bad enough I am forced to surgery, but it will simply return, dupuytren contracture. The other hand middle finger has has tenosing tenosynovitis for a year and just wear a splint, but my 3 month wait for the doctor came and I went. I got a steriod injection and he said it is about a 60% chance it will work in 1 to 3 months. If not, I'll do another injection because surgery agravates dupuytren contracture and since I have it, it is likely it will spart it to start on that hand/finger (damn genetics). So I will try to avoid surgery trama at all costs. THe other issue was acyst at the upper joint of the middle finnger. Turns out is is arthritis related (I had never had arthritis issues or pain) and my joint is leaking fluid into the area. Again, don't want surgery, so using compression to push fluids back into the joint. Funny, I did a lot of pressure last night, hurt, but then I felt a pop and the fluids went back. I am keeping a compression bandage on the finger tip as he said if I keep the fluids from leaking out there is a good chance over a few months it will seal and go away. Since the nodule hurt, of course I want it to be gone for good. Still, these issues are nothing compared to what others go through. Just natural again I suppose. Funny how young David always wanted to be older and now older David wants to be younger. (laugh)

John, I've always wondered, and was amazed at how you handle it all with so many being so dependent upon you. Everyone always says that you have to take care of yourself first, but that can be next to impossible at times. Just do the best you can.

Tim, glad to hear things are going well with your new addition. It just takes time.

i'm doing OK. Laila Is doing great. I always tell her it's her and me against the world. Truthfully, I'm very happy. I don't have to get out and face it very often. 

David was thinking of you last night while watching a rerun of "The Big Bang Theory". Sheldon wanted to move away from California to a place with less crime and picked Bozeman Montana. And of course, as soon as he got to town, someone stole his luggage, which was pretty funny.